Paradox

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Who am I now?

A lost girl trying to find herself again,

Put herself back together again

Like Humpty Dumpty

With new jigsaw pieces. 

 

A girl terrified of demons and monsters

Lurking beneath the fragile surface

But slowly learning to face them.

 

A girl finding out how scared she was

And still is,

Figuring out why she can’t let go

Of her greatest fears

And greatest hopes.

 

A girl exploring uncharted, forgotten components

That makes up her worry fraught mind

And rediscovers long-buried feelings

That still rubs salt in still fresh wounds.

 

A girl who knows she is loved

But can’t fully bring to love herself.

 

A girl who wonders if 

Her younger self would like what she has become

And if her future self will be alright.

 

A girl who is still stubborn

Who shows her mask to the whole world.

 

A girl slowly turning the valve 

Of twenty-five years of pent-up emotion,

Still finding the courage to get through the day

In one piece.

 

A girl who is looking 

For help like a child

And independence like an adult.

 

A walking paradox

Who craves freedom

But still longs to hide.

 

A work in progress

Still a cluster**** of nerves

But hopefully not a ticking time bomb.

 

A girl who nearly reached her breaking point

Yet still filled in paranoid doubt

That may still be on the horizon

In form of a panic attack.

 

A girl still unsure of herself

Still wants to prove she can work miracles and magic,

For others

And in a tiny dark corner, for herself.

 

A girl who is told she is still young

But feels old.

 

A girl who sometimes feels she’s pretending to be an adult.

 

A girl who wants to ignite her passion

Struggling to find a spark.

 

A girl who simply wants to feel okay

But an okay that suits her.

A girl who has put herself on a time limit

Finds patience in a herculean task.

 

A girl who’s brain

Has logic and reasoning in battle

With irrationality.

 

A girl trying to find her own way in life

With a guilty conscience on her back.

 

A girl getting a re-education on herself.

 

A girl who doesn’t want to be angry all the time

Or on the verge of tears constantly.

Who just wants to be ****ing happy.

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Elaine Mullarkey

About the Author: Elaine Mullarkey

A wordsmith and bibliophile who also goes by the penname of Molly Lane. You can also check out my other written material on my Tumblr page https://blogmollylane.tumblr.com/.

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